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Posted by on May 31, 2015 in News | 0 comments

8 Of The Most Popular Reasons Women Fake Orgasms

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Just about every woman has found a reason to fake an orgasm.

Not too long ago, I had the disturbing pleasure of examining why men fake orgasms. Prior to my research, I wasn’t even sure such acting skills could be accomplished by a man, but I quickly learned I was wrong. Men can indeed fake the big O and it is not as uncommon as one would think.

Something about a man trying to replicate ejaculation with phony moans and body shakes seems wrong, dishonest, and even somewhat gross. Then I remembered something, who the fuck am I to comment on a man pretend-climaxing, when I’ve faked it more times than I can count. I swear, I could literally win a god damn Oscar for the performances I’ve put on in the bedroom. So for all you curious men and unsatisfied women who want to know the most popular reasons women fake it, here you go.

To please your partner.

Obviously, this is the most popular reason why women in committed relationships fake it. God forbid our lover should know what they’re doing, isn’t “doing it”. We are kind, nurturing creatures at heart and to spare our partner the embarrassment and self-doubt, we toss our hair back, scream out their name, and make believe we just came harder than an erupting volcano. You can’t really be mad at us for that, can you?

You can’t cum from anything other than your own hand, vibrator, or shower head.

Unfortunately, the anatomy of a woman is much different from a man. A man can come solely from one repeated motion aka the hand job, where a woman’s parts require a bit of multitasking. Between the hidden g-spots and sensitive nubs, sometimes the only way for a chick to get off is with battery-operated toys or the hands she was born with. I’ve spoke with countless women who claim that even when they’ve directed their partners on what to do, they still cannot achieve orgasm through them alone. For all you self-pleasers, I send my condolences and promise to never take another orgasm from my man for granted.

Boredom.

Whether the guy is a bad lay or she is just not feeling it, a lot of times women bring a finish to their sexcapade because they are nothing else but bored. Sure, sex feels good, but after 15 minutes of the same exact pounding with no type of alteration, it can get pretty boring for us chicks. So once again, out of pure selflessness, we put on our acting face and bring the session to a close.

Exhaustion.

Ahhh, one excuse I am oh so familiar with. The “I’m exhausted but need to have sex with you because you’re a guy and you need to have sex in order to keep your dick in your pants” justification. Listen, I have two kids, 2 asses to clean, 3 mouths to feed, and a house that seems to always be in disarray, so yes many times when it comes to nightfall I am hanging on by a thread. However, like the good wife I am, I pull down my big girl panties and give him a proper ending to the day. Usually when I am that tired, climaxing is never an option, I barely stayed awake during the blowjob, so to wrap things up I bust out a moan, roll over, and pass out. It may not always be believable but luckily, I am too unconscious to be questioned.

Your fucking kids!

If you’re offended I put the word fuck next to kids, then you must not have children because there is nothing like a sick baby, whiney toddler, or sleep walking child to kill a girl’s momentum. Fear of your precious innocent baby hearing or worse seeing you in the throes of passion is an unthinkable situation for some parents. Now of course, couples with children need to do what they need to do or else they’ll never have sex, but when my toddler was going through the “barge into my room all hours of the night” phase, I most definitely rushed things along. My husband could give two shits, where as I want to make it a life mission to never be caught naked and doggy style by my offspring. Who know’s what little man would say the next day at school, “Mommy and daddy were playing naked doggies in their bed last night. Daddy sounded more like a wolf though and mommy kept asking for more”. OH MY GOD, NO, NEVER, THANK YOU!

You’re drunk.

Alcohol and crazy sex go hand and hand and while many times, it can lead to new positions and fun filled tricks, other times it’s just a mess with no end in sight. Guys aren’t the only ones who experience whiskey dick, if a woman drinks enough she too can suffer from the unobtainable orgasm. However, after a few too many and when the room starts to spin, we find it completely acceptable and necessary to fake it with the loudest, most dramatic orgasm he has ever heard. Hey, if you’re that fucked up and forced to imitate you might as well pull a scene from your mental porn collection and fake it like Alexis Texas.

One-night stand mistake.

The reoccurring conundrum of single women everywhere. Just a few hours ago, you met a man who seemed to be a catch. He was good looking, smelled nice, spoke English, you know the traits that really matter. Then how is it possible that the man you met not long ago is nothing like the man you are currently having sex with. Doubts begin to cross your mind, “Was the lighting in the bar off? Was I roofied? Was he not speaking English the entire time we spoke?” Good-bye Mr. Right Now, hello Mr. Get the Fuck Off of Me Right Now. This man/wildebeest is hairy, belligerent, and hung like a tic-tac and worst of all he keeps stating, “I’m not stopping until you come baby”. For the love of God, NO! This is where you use your emergency evacuation-of-the-penis plan, take his two minutes of pumping, and fake the quickest climax of your life. Then what I would do is roll over and play dead, because what other option is there really?

You’re trained to end it that way.

Whether it’s genuine or bogus, some chicks just have to end sex with an orgasm. It doesn’t matter if she’s dating, married, or a swinger, this people-pleaser was conditioned to finish things properly. She would much rather impersonate herself climaxing then lay there and express her true feelings, feelings that may include anger, disappointment, and regret. Why speak up and get what you need when you can just pretend that everything is made of unicorns and rainbows. Doesn’t that sound like such a better way to live, full of fake orgasms and neglected vaginas?

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