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Posted by on Feb 18, 2015 in News | 0 comments

Bashing Fifty Shades Of Grey


This review bashes the movie Fifty Shades Of Grey because it did not fulfill the fantasies of fans.

Breaking news FGM readers, Fifty Shades of Grey may just be the biggest piece of cinematic crap I have ever seen. I know, I know, here I was just a few days ago pumping you readers with hope for an epic film and defending Fifty’s hardcore horny fans (including myself) in my Behind The 50 Shades Of Grey Fandom article. Well guess what, I was wrong. I was majorly fucking wrong. Within 10 minutes of the lights dimming and the movie rolling I sat with my jaw dropped, eyes partially covered, and gasping at the screen. No, not because it felt good to finally see what I had envisioned so many times, and not because I was turned on by Anastasia’s hairy bush, but because I couldn’t believe the amount of unrealistic and over the top cheesiness that played out before me.

I knew the book was a far-fetched love story but this shit was like comedy skit straight out of SNL. I kept asking myself, “Where the fuck is the dialogue”. Twenty minutes into the movie with maybe 100 words exchanged, Christian and Ana met, had coffee, fell in love, and broke up. I heard Dakota Johnson sigh more than she actually spoke and let me just add her sigh sounds similar to that of a high-pitched 6-year old. Now don’t get me wrong the movie did a great job at following the books main events but something was seriously lacking, like I don’t know, acting. This just goes to show how difficult a book to film adaptation can really be. To choose what will make the film and what must be cut resulted in a very jumpy and rushed story line.

It is no wonder at the FSOG London premiere, movie director Sam Taylor-Johnson openly discussed how difficult it was to work with E. L. James. She then went on to say how adamant the author was about not changing the book even when she as a director knew it would be best. The majority of the movie was spoken in an unemotional and monotone dialogue that left you bored and slightly embarrassed. Not even an hour in, I left to use the restroom. Yes, I actually left in the middle of my highly anticipated movie of the year to take a fucking piss. When I returned to my seat I asked my extremely bored and not the slightest horny husband what I missed and his words were, “absolutely nothing” and for once I believed him.

Now before I continue my Fifty Shades of Bashing perhaps I should admit what I was hoping to get out of the film in the first place. Of course, I couldn’t wait to see the duo fall in love, witness Christian’s broodiness, and poke fun at Ana’s naiveté, but if I’m being completely honest it was really just to watch them fuck, and fuck hard. To actually see Ana be spanked and come solely from a good flogging. I wanted to ogle at Christian’s scarred up pecs and watch his shitty attitude whip her ass until it was a new shade of red.

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Which leads me to the positives of the film and yes, there were a few. First, I will say what everyone is saying which is that Dakota did a hell of a good job playing Ana. Between the eye rolling, lip biting, and the natural awkwardness, D.J. nailed it. Not to mention her body is pretty hot. She has smaller tits than I like but she has a nice set of legs and a bouncy little butt. (No, I am not a lesbian for the hundredth time). As for Jamie, he has a gorgeous face but his body was nothing close to book Christian’s bod. Why they couldn’t pick a hotter buffer American male to play the role is beyond me. Every other line he pronounced with hints of his Irish accent and while I love me a good Irish man, Christian Grey is not from Ireland. He is from the slums of southern USA with a crack whore mama and pimp step daddy. The film’s redeeming qualities were basically just the twenty minutes of sex and foreplay. While I wasn’t expecting to see much due to its R rating, I actually saw more than predicted. You see a lot of breast, ass, and bush, and you even get a half-second glimpse of his low V/top cock area.

The actual sex scenes weren’t half bad, as Christian tore the condom wrapper off with his teeth and entered Ana, one may believe he actually stuck it in there. I don’t blame his real life wife for not wanting to see the movie, because the sex was detailed and somewhat believable. As for the BDSM side of the sex that was definitely the most enjoyable, as it should have been. During one scene, you get to witness Anastasia be shackled to the ceiling, worked over with a crop, and then fucked relentlessly. Followed by a switch of wrist binding, rolled over, and slammed in from behind.


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I would be lying if I said I didn’t cross my legs a little tighter during those scenes. Lastly, there was the music and the soundtrack was sexy, dark, and a major climatic addition to the movie. If only Beyonce could play every time my husband bangs me, life would be good. Speaking of the husband and his reaction, he said he felt a slight twitch in the pants, but not the full “movie boner” we were hoping for.

So in the end I found myself thinking, if I all I truly wanted to see was the sex and the only appealing part of the 2-hour film was the naughty stuff, then why the hell don’t I just watch soft porn? Also, why aren’t there more movies out there with a decent love story and lots of hot graphic sex? If only they had stuck to their guns and made the movie NC-17 as it should have been, this review would have had a completely different outcome. Fortunately, I’ve heard talk of a few scandalous sex scenes that didn’t make the big screen but will be released on DVD, which is an added bonus all FSOG fans deserve. As for movie two, will I go see it, of course I will. It is rumored that cast and crew are to remain the same minus the screenplay writer, which could do wonders for Fifty Shades Darker. I guess we will just have to wait until March 2016 to find out.

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